


Of Mothers and Heroes and Babies

by AuroraKant



Category: Batgirl (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: (and why some might not want it), BAMF Barbara Gordon, Barbara Gordon is Oracle, Character Study, Discussion of Abortion, Discussion of Pregnancy, F/M, Flash Fic, Gen, I wrote this in an hour because of thoughts, References to Depression, References to Sex, The Killing Joke did happen in this (sadly), and what one might associate with it, this is a discussion about motherhood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:07:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22637284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuroraKant/pseuds/AuroraKant
Summary: Barbara Gordon never wanted kids. That much is not a secret. And yet there are still things she feels unsure about. Things, that make her squirm when she thinks about them.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	Of Mothers and Heroes and Babies

**Author's Note:**

> Heya!   
> I was productive again! (Still not on my usual laptop. Still not able to access the chapters of my other story)  
> So, I wrote this. It is not long and mostly my ramble about my personal ideas and feelings through the lenses of a character I would like to imagine could relate! I hope some of you can still enjoy it! <3  
> Love is always appreciated! Critic, Kudos, Bookmarks, too!

Barbara never wanted to have kids. 

She remembered a moment in her childhood when she looked at the news, saw yet another catastrophe and thought “Who would willingly put someone else through this?”. Many things had changed since then. She now understood more than tiny Barbara could have ever wished to comprehend, she knew that other people longed for this extremely deep connection that came with birthing a child. She knew others saw the catastrophes in the world and knew their kid would be safe. Or would possibly save them all. She knew being a mother was the biggest wish for some and she could not belittle that desire.

(And she had Cass and Steph, her own little brood)

And yet one thing never changed for Barbara: She never wanted to have kids. 

But that was not the bad part, the part for which she sometimes hated herself. Many women in her field of work thought like that after all. Batwoman and Huntress for example were both childless as well and quite happy with that. Hell, fucking Wonder Woman was without a child and none the poorer for it. 

No, the part that made Barbara squirm when she thought too deep about it, the part that made her think she might be a horrible person after all, was that she was relieved after her _adventure_ (torture-pain-suffering-hate) with the Joker. 

Scratch that. She had been devastated. Depressed. She hadn’t spoken to most of her friends and family for ages. She had felt worthless. But when Doctor Thompkins told her that she would probably never have children that were biologically hers, she was relieved. Oh, so relieved.

You see, Barbara had been afraid of getting pregnant since she first heard the word “impregnate” in Sex Ed. She had been afraid to have sex with people because what if she got pregnant? She would have to get an abortion. There was no way for her to carry that child. There was no part of her who would ever want that. And no way for her to hide it from her dad. 

And yet... she had been a teenager. She had been 16/17. She had been in love. She had been horny. So, she took the over-cautious route: She got prescriptions for the pill, she thought about getting an implant, she made sure to only have sex on the least fertile days of her circle, she never slept with someone who didn’t use a condom...

And it worked. Barbara never got pregnant. But there was always an undercurrent of fear when she slept with her lovers. Because there is no such thing as 100% safety, Barbara knew that. Fuck, Batgirl probably knew that better than most. That fear never left her, at least not completely. Because what if? Because it was no question for her: If she ever got pregnant, she would get an abortion. There might be other options for other women, but there were none for her. And even though she didn't fear the reaction of her friends, of her community, she really didn't want to test it. 

So, the moment with Leslie alone in her hospital room cast a shadow off her heart. Made it losing her legs worth it? No, that’s not how this works. Did it make it more bearably if only for a moment? Maybe, yes. 

And that was before Oracle. Before Barbara found herself again, her purpose, her humor, the steely resolve that had sent her on the streets in the first place. She no longer felt as the Barbara in the hospital felt, and yet that first moment of relief would probably always stay with her. Just as that little girl would stay with her. Just as she was now - happy, infertile, in a loving relationship, a hero - would always stay with her. A part of her would probably always feel a little bit guilty about that clueless girl and that hurt woman in a hospital. But what they felt had been true to them. 

She was an ever changing person. Maybe she would change someday. She probably would. Maybe she would want kids someday. She could imagine it when she looked at Cass and Steph and felt pride well up inside of her. Maybe. There was literally an endless sea of possibility in front of her. And yet she knew that there was one thing she would never regret: Her inability to bear children. Even if she had to carry the guilt of never wanting them with her.


End file.
